They don’t understand me so they attack me. If they only knew. No, I don’t think I’m better but I know I am different. I refuse to be like the worst that they are so content in. Tears flow daily because the thought of being caught up in the whirlwinds of the generational curse haunts me. If that’s not motivation enough, I don’t know what else is. I just can’t submit to poverty, yet dream to soar mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I avoid things that can derail my destiny, that will allow the generational curse to take root.

I thought I severed it years ago……hell….I thought my parents took care of it. Then I realized I wasn’t a victim but more a participant in the seasonings that contributed to the generational curse. From sexual sin all the way to being and staying enslaved to debt. I witnessed my favor with you decreased and your silenced increased. Thankfully, you kept me. Even when things seem bleak you protected me.

The generational curse goes against the odds. You know Lord, the sayings, “Fall seven times get up eight?” well the way my generational curse is setup: fall seven times and fall another eight. Layer of layers of turmoil has tried to grasp me. Instead of being accessible to my demise you have tucked me under your wings. The many breasted one. You have brought me closer. You have declared my independence from the curse. All the while I’m dependent on you.

They despise me all because you’ve spared me. All because I said, “Yes!” That was the day the Goliath like curse became Neapolitan.  Not only do I enjoy luxury but I enjoy pleasing you. Something as strong as blood, binds us but my submission to you divides us. That’s the difference. If they could only see my (yes), is what keeps me from the snare of the enemy. My (yes), is what keeps me steps ahead of the enemy. My (yes), is why it “appears” the struggle was never real.

Abba Father, I can’t continue walking around with rejection from my own blood all because I understand the true meaning of (yes). They don’t even know what I had to let go just to get what I have. They don’t even know how much pain I had to endure to discover your love. They don’t even know the number of replacement pillows that I’ve saturated with salty tears. They don’t even know how I’ve lifted them up high in prayer. They don’t even know how I want to see them do better than me because the curse has held them for far too long.

They are jealous of a (yes), something that is extended to them daily. I now understand how Joseph felt when his brothers betrayed him. How their vicious plans through his life completely off course but it really was the course. Too many times humiliation was their tool to reveal their inner thoughts and feelings about me. It was all good when I was following the path they were on but Lord and behold when my purpose called they ran the other way. Accusations came swiftly and no one ever heard my side of the story. Since my purpose is at stake I must forgive. I can’t keep holding this in. Rather I see them tomorrow or years from now those feelings need to be lifted. Help me God to accept what I can’t change and the strength to change what I can. Help me to forgive with the contentment of never forgetting. I won’t forget simply because forgiveness doesn’t equate to reconciliation.

I can love them from a far. I can help from the distance. I can pray behind closed doors. Let the agony cease and the healing begin. Even though they will never know…..I’m rooting for them. God, let their dreams become attainable. Allow them to see that they too, are worthy of your exceedingly and abundantly.

Lord I lay at your feet the feelings of rejection. I no longer desire to fight this fight alone or at all. You can have it all. I no longer want to be a prisoner. I no longer want to dwell on what could or should be. Let healing flow. I can’t allow the lack of forgiveness to withhold what is in your hands for me. I can’t allow bitterness and angry to overcome me. I can’t afford to lose the grounds you’ve granted me. Nothing and no one can separate me from you love.

 

Sincerely,

The Outcast