With the world tugging on my desires every chance it gets. I find it overwhelming to trust His heart, when I can’t see His hand. The struggle is real. In Him I am this mighty woman of valor, His anointed one, the apple of His eye, and most of all His child. Yet, I still feel inadequate. Not enough. Too much to handle. Misunderstood is an understatement at this point. I am beginning to realize the anointing and calling over your life measures the amount of insecurity you battle.
The insecurities effect my walk daily. The mental wars roar louder than my positive thoughts. They seem to drown out His promises and replace them with doubt or disbelief. Between the appetizing world and my hidden negative thoughts. I can appear distant, mean, frustrated, anxious, and defiant. How? Who? When do I explain to my peers that I was granted a glimpse of my purpose? It’s hard coping with something that doesn’t match your reality, with very little instructions. This must be the exact feeling David had after being anointed to be King but still a shepherd boy.
All I can do is trust Him and He will instruct my path. This path is becoming more narrow by the day and walking it alone doesn’t help. Keeping the faith for me consist of multiple devotions, spiritual healing and self-love books, and writing to keep me eyes on the prize. I don’t even understand my anointing so how could I expect for some one else to. The frustration could put anyone on edge. Emotions will rise when you’re discovering yourself. Your identity in Christ overshadows what you are currently doing in the world. It’s an accomplishment once you unify them.
I get so angry with myself when I fail yet again to explain the obvious insecurities I battle. I thought being transparent and vulnerable would bridge the gap of communicating with others. It has only set me a apart further. The more I surrender and seek His face. The more of a blemish I seem to be to my peers. I’m rendering so much and its beyond frightening. Turning back isn’t an option. I know what it feels like to live without Him, its now time to experience life with Him as my source.
I often fight through the tears of my despair. Will anyone ever understand me? Can anyone ever love me the way He created me to be? Is it possible for someone to match my anointing? Who will understand this anointing that causes me to see beyond my reality and to feel past my soul? Explaining this causes the average person to place a huge question mark over my head and a quick side eye. No, I am not crazy. On the contrary, my anointing and gifts begs to differ at times.
Obedience is better than sacrifice. My sacrifice is such a heavy load. I release it daily. Through the gift of dance. I allow the words of the chosen song to be my cry. With every move I envy the yokes of others being broken, while I am regretfully holding on to mine. A girl could grow tired of explaining herself to non-spiritual or “woke” people. Carrying my burdens are hard enough but to bear someone else’s is boarder line torture.
The losses I’ve endured trying to manage these gifts are heartbreaking. It’s the root of my misunderstanding. I am often looked over but once discovered I’m this spiritual conduit to the blind. No, I am not thick with hair draping down my back like these clones on Instagram. I am just a petite girl from the outskirts of Chicago.
Yet, I lay my head down and I’m shown figments of what He has planned for me and others I am connected to. In Laymen’s Terms the gift of sight comes with a price. Maybe one day I will get a handle of all this passion and fire that dwells inside. Eventually, some one will come along and just get it. Their discernment will connect with what has been lying dormant inside for so long. The not needed validation but quietly hoping someone will understand may silence my insecurities permanently. Until then I am the vessel He’s using and I unapologetically refuse to be anything less of that.