I’m coming to you full of frustration and confusion. I made an executive decision to worship you mind, body, and soul. I made a vow to remain celibate until you connect me with destiny. I wasn’t naive to think that this journey would be easy. I just didn’t prepare myself for the new form of rejection that comes along with it.
I believe what I am doing is honorable not just to you but to myself as well. Celibacy is reflecting your love for me while I wait for the man after your own heart. Yet, I’m constantly tempted, shunned or taken as a joke. I find myself in a different sea of feelings. I’m learning to look at things from a vertical perspective (your view) but forced out due to horizontal perspectives (flesh operated views).
I enjoy the new found freedom, focus, and strength I have gained from my celibacy journey. The spiritual high that I am on I just never want to come down from. It brings me so much joy and peace to please you. In the midst of your peace I’m completely alone. The biggest part of me knows this is exactly the space you need and want me in. It took me a really long time to find an equilibrium with you and I’m terrified to disturb that in any way.
This is why I’m completely confused on how men feel my decision is an inconvenience to them. Why is it wrong to please you in this day in age? I’m utterly frustrated with things starting of amazing and then crashing fast when the sex talk is brought to the table. I say it with much pride, “I am celibate and waiting till marriage.” From their uncomfortable body language all the way up the pole to their death stare. I can literally feel them burning a hole straight through me. I was even told that I’m a tease.
I can’t speak for every one but I just don’t think jumping from bed to bed is the best way to find love. I’d rather jump the broom once and conquer the highs and lows that marriage brings. Lord, I need you to wrap your comforting arms around me during this process. I need your strength to carry me through to the promise you said. Father, you said you would give me the desires of my heart if I would obey your commandments. I trust you Lord. You are my sovereign, the Alpha and Omega. Although, Job said,
“Thou you slay me……..I will trust you.” Well, in my case God. Thou they reject me………I will trust you.