I have the deepest desire to be one with you no matter the cost. I have experienced what it is to go through life without you. It’s such a dark and false place that only the delivered can explain. The explanation of the emptiness being filled is just one delight. I want to be one with you like the newlyweds first dance over a sweet romantic melody. I want to be so dependent on you, where its obvious that you are my source and everything else is my resource.
For the past year my spirit has been extremely sensitive. During this unusual sensitivity I’ve been humbled in a new and challenging way. I’ve desperately been seeking your face and not your hand in every aspect of my life. I’ve disciplined myself to have a set time where I meet with you. The place where my conversations defy what I want my peers to know and even you sometimes. The place where even when it hurts I’ve learned to praise you. I’ve become so addicted to the pain with a dose of complaint that your gracious acts are distant memories at times. This instant gratification can sometimes cripple my know better into, I want better, and I want it now. I try to check myself before you humble me in the worse but needed way.
I fight so hard to be this great “Christian,” sometimes I fight so hard to the point where I am miserable. To the point where I have to ask you to help me with the reality and the perfection I strive for. I’m constantly worried if I am doing the right thing, am I hearing you correctly, the way you revealed yourself to me, was it just a dream or more? I need to see hope again. I need something that is in arms reach of becoming true. The standing is becoming tiring. The day after day pretending to be well when my spirit man is screaming out, “I NEED TO BE RESTORED!” is over powering my very existence.
God, how long must I silent my inner cries?
I’m loosing strength fighting battles that don’t belong nor concern me. I’m tired of putting others first that hasn’t even decided where they stand with you. I’m tired of being there. I’m tired of showing up when it counts. I’m tired of bending over till breaking may occur. I’m tired of holding my tongue (that only speaks 100) to keep from losing the very few that remains. I am tired of convincing myself that this is how friendship works. I pray, encourage, and be there without a question in doubt. When its my turn there is no one in sight. Who’s praying for me? Who’s encouraging me? Who’s checking to make sure I am okay with a genuine heart? Who’s stopping what they are doing when I seem to be caught in despair? Who actually thinks of me before they think of themselves? Yet, I pick up when they call. I send that message when they cross my mind with much needed words of encouragement. I lay down their worries at your feet as if they were my own. I cry when they cry and hurt when they hurt. Still, I’m alone when adversity arises, or better yet I have to lean on my mother, who they feel does too much.
I’m the outcast because you’ve protected me in and out of sin.
My loneliness is getting the best of me. I have a routine that I hate but its safe. I’m excluded from certain activities because my walk with you threatens their very being. I’ve become accustomed to reading and writing as if its a part of a nutritious diet. Instead of conforming to this world I have rejected everything it stands for. Every step I’ve taken has been orchestrated by you and betrayed by my peers. This has been the year of the cousins. I’ve had cousins from both sides of my family betray me with no reason in sight. Viciously wanting to see me fall.
Fall from what, I ask? In my eyes I’m just me. The me fighting to stay afloat. The me fighting to praise you even when it hurts like hell. The me walking even when the road looks, nothing like what, I planned but my faith will be a mountain size faith. The me that just want to get it right because I’ve been so wrong before. The me that just want to be loved so deeply and accepted completely. I am struggling with releasing those that have purposely hurt me recently. I am struggling with the forced kindness I have to extend in order to stay in good standings with you. Miss a blessings?! Absolutely not! I can’t afford to be one more step behind.Which is why I keep loving and forgiving them.
Why can’t they see……I’m just trying to follow you and this road is so much easier if I had someone to walk it with.
Speaking of them the weight of him hurts just as much. Him that appears then disappears. The him that is privately my best friend in the whole wide world and publicly an unknown stranger. The him that thinks I’m so dope but won’t allow the world to know it. The him that swears by your name but dabbles in the grey area. The him that captured my heart in your name and denied it like Peter when it was all said and done. The him that convinced me to believe that I’m the issue and barely enough to utter his name. The him that I prayed to you about. The him I want to see everything we discuss occur. You know God, the him that I love to hate but desires to see everything good you created be gravitated to him. The him I bug my mother and friends about. The him that ignores my messages and only answers the ones that benefits him. Lastly, the him that dances on the lines of,” I love her but what if better is on the horizon for where I am headed .”
Yet, even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise you. Even when it makes no sense I’ll roar louder!
During my time of worship. It’s rare to come across a song that captures every essence of emotion that you’re feeling. I’ve listened to this song daily. Each day the same count of tears drop. The same amount of anxiety is released. The same amount of fear is lifted. The same amount of praise is given. No matter how much it hurts. I keep moving forward. I may be shaken but I will not be moved. I may bend but I will not break. I may feel alone but I will walk with the knowledge of knowing you are right there.