I would love to tell you that I embraced my recovery season with opened arms. Time after time I failed in spiritual rehab. I went through the stages of grief twice. Not just from a failed relationship but also the confidence I once possessed. My current grief stage is “acceptance”. Thankfully it is the last stage but I had to revisit a few of them often.
I have a scripture written on my dry eraser board. It’s a positive reminder to continue to accept what is. I whisper to myself, “Be continually renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh, untarnished mental and spiritual attitude]” (Ephesians 4:23). I invite God in this area daily and sometimes more than once a day. It helps me to comprehend that it is okay to be the shadow of the confident woman I once was a year ago.
A shadow is a dark figure cast upon a surface by a body intercepting the rays from a source of light. Instead of walking in the rays of my purpose; I became all too familiar with my hidden insecurities. For months I was so ashamed and full of guilt for allowing a relationship to rip me this deep. Embarrassment greeted me at every corner on recovery lane. My shadow at times towered over a thriving woman.
That woman seems so distant now. I can’t even recall how I developed into her. The steps are a fuzzy memory. All I know is she no longer exist and a new normal replaces her smile and drive. What was once simple for her is difficult for me now. Instead of living as her; I began to pretend to be her. LOL, how do you pretend to be a version of yourself you ask? The wonderful world of social media is the perfect platform to pretend. It is easy to give advice and encouragement than to actually apply it.
I vividly remember writing in my journal to God. My hand was shaking because I didn’t want to disrespect my sovereign but releasing the tension was needed. Humbly, my pen aided me to utter, “Father, I know you as my Savior, Provider, Protector, Vindicator, and Healer. However, I cannot call you the God over my relationships. Every memory of a relationship was survival based. My obedience to you placed my heart in undeserving hands. I trusted someone saying you guided them to me; for them to say it was all a lie.” As I penned my confessions, doubts, disbeliefs, and heart aching pain. God began to minister to me personally.
Heaven began discussing my circumstances. Sis, it was as if God himself stopped what he was doing for everyone else and sat directly next to me. That’s how close he felt. I lifted my head and whispered, “This wasn’t fair. Why is this always my ending to something that started off so great?” His response was so sweet and affirming, “I have allowed pain to pave your purpose. Things got shaky because I needed what can’t withstand to flea. You have been planted by living waters so it can wash away what has died and replenish what remains. This betrayal was done quickly because you are about to rise.”
My recovery began in my bedroom when my sovereign met me where I was. I just wanted to be healed and I didn’t care what it looked like to the outside world. Healing is intentional. Creating a list of healing tools paved the way to full recovery.
- Journal your feelings daily to keep track of both your positive and negative thoughts and emotions. Be as transparent as possible. Shame and guilt can dwell in the midst of honesty.
- Exercise is the best way to release trauma and tension from the muscles.
- Self-love isn’t just a saying it’s a lifestyle. Eat and rest to restore physically what your negative emotions have stripped.
- Read the bible and a book to aide positive affirmations. Highlight and take notes. Create your own mini book of God’s promises and uplifting quotes.
- Surround yourself with those that truly and genuinely love you.
- Create a new habit to replace what has left. Find a new normal.
- Help someone else in need to. This helps you feel needed.
- Listen to worship or uplifting music. Music is known to change and set the atmosphere.
- Laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. Laughter is food for the soul and is scientifically said to be medicine that no doctor can prescribe.
- Be patient with yourself. Healing is daily process. Some days will be a breeze and others will be a struggle.
Sis, a relationship with God is the recovery. When your confidence has been stripped; he is right there with a new garment of godfidence. That moment weakness is your stature; he exchanges it with strength by his mighty righteous hand. If your mind begins to wage war; he comes in peace to settle the score. You are never walking recovery lane alone. As always I am praying for you!