The words, “It will be difficult for you to conceive.” Has haunted me since I was nineteen years old. With new beginnings on the rise such as; college and a marriage proposal. The tainted news of my womb being closed, shadowed me every where I went. I wrestled with unhealthy thoughts of this dreary diagnosis(ovarian cysts) daily. I rarely spoke about it. Maybe because of denial or embarrassment my great flaw silenced me. I walked around with this invisible scarlet B (barren) full of shame and rejection. BARREN! How? What did I do to deserve this? Instead of processing this news and accepting it. Anger, rage, jealousy and bitterness settled in.
I had just gotten engaged. Starting a family was huge to us both. How, do you explain to the love of your life (so I thought) that you are cursed? I was convinced to prove these doctors wrong. I am the daughter of a Prophetess and a Pastor these type of things don’t occur to people like me. Although, I wasn’t walking in my faith. I felt I could call on this miraculous healing due to the sacrifices my parents relinquished. Yes, the sense of entitlement entangled itself deep within my soul. I thought highly of myself so should God, right?
I assumed there was only one purpose for a woman. A woman is created to reproduce. If she can’t do that, then what good is she? This replayed in my mind for years. Surgery after surgery with hopes of good news; I was still being haunted by my diagnosis (ovarian cysts, uterine fibroid’s, and endometriosis) that had only gotten worse over the years. Literally, every month someone I knew was pregnant. I would appear happy for them but in the inside I was outraged. I deserved this type of blessing! I constantly prayed (oddly I was a known sinner) about this situation. When I decided to attend church (which was very few and between) I would always receive a prophesy stating, “Your womb will open, you will bear children.” I would cry filled with joy and then carry on with my merry (sinner) way.
My engagement lasted for three, on and off solid years. In between that time I so desperately wanted to have his children. I didn’t care about my morals or values. I needed to keep him one way or another. His roaming eyes created an enormous amount of insecurity. Month after month receiving my menstrual cycle was a reminder of my flaw. It never happened. The amount of anger with God and myself was immeasurable.
Eventually, my “engagement” ended and I was forced to reckon with my decisions and go home with my tail in between my legs. Those kids “we” so desperately wanted together transformed into his kids with other women. Heart broken, confused and angry I had to sit with the results and consequences. The embarrassment alone was too much to bear; and yet I was still barren. I thought I had lost, since giving my then partner a love child wasn’t possible for me. I found myself envying the very thing I never wanted to be……”the baby momma.” As I continued to spiral down becoming his baby momma just seemed so amazing. You usually want what you can’t have or in my case give.
At this point, my only way to learn was going completely down. Rock bottom looked good after the aftermath of being furious with God. He surely has a way of humbling you one way or another. Time was of the essence and my destiny was waiting for me to get on course. The slow grinds of His wheel began to change my perspective of Him along with my illness.
After, spending countless of time with my creator. I began to seek His face and guidance, instead of His hands full of blessings. I soon discovered in hindsight, my flaw (illness) was just His protection. Follow me I am going somewhere with this.
I endured over seven surgeries to eliminate the pain and to salvage what functioning reproductive system I had left. Finally, the haunting words, “You can’t bear children” went to, “It will be difficult but it can be done.” Never, in my life had I been so excited about the word “difficult.” God changed it (won’t He do it). The moment I surrendered I began to see His hand in everything in my life.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways ~Psalm 91:11
All the while, He was protecting me from myself. He knew the morals and values that my parents had instilled in me needed to remain intact. What, I thought I wanted, He blocked. He sent his angels every time to protect me from myself. I have found yet another reason to be full of thanksgiving when it comes to my God. You know there is something special between Him and I. I have yet to let a day go by without me telling Him, “Thank You.” His protection was divine and it intercepted what would have been a costly decision. The bullet I dodged forces me to my knees daily. He saved me from known and unknown things. For that my mouth will forever be filled with praise.
I learned to worship and praise through my circumstances. Handing over my right to be mad at God changed my life for the better. Exchanging my bitterness with joy has placed a permanent smile on my face. My faith is made strong from just this alone. I look forward to His prophecies coming into full fruition. Stay tuned……watch and see what the Lord does.