I’ve been patiently waiting for an aisle to walk down on. I desperately hope you read that in your best 50 Cent voice because I surely did while writing it. 50 Cent has a song called Patiently Waiting and as it sounded off in my ears the lyrics did a word change. With a very sinister voice and sarcastic over tone he begins to rap over a killer beat, “I’ve been patiently waiting for a track to explode on.” So picture this. I am strolling downtown Chicago. Michigan Avenue to be exact. With my headphones on full blast, that infamous beat gave me full permission to remix this song to my personal preference.
At 33 I am seriously patiently on some days and impatiently on others for an aisle to walk down on. If you are not sure what aisle I am referring to. THE AISLE! Yes, the aisle that almost every girl dreams of walking down. That long aisle where all eyes are on her. Her father is hoisting her up literally and figuratively as he prepares to symbolically give another man the permission to ALMOST love her as much as he does.
Back to the song right, so I am walking down Michigan Ave and I’m bobbing my head super hard because this epic remix is just pouring out of me. I will be completely transparent. I surely do desire to walk down the aisle and walk down it once. Honestly, when I take the “i” out of my desires at this very moment. I can surely pin point several reason why I am not ready for marriage RIGHT NOW and what needs to improve.
I’m not sure how many women can be that honest about their desires. I am accustomed to investing in me and me alone. To include another human being is quite terrifying to me. Especially, when I use to include another human being in the picture the negatives exposed all the lies. I was always torn at the end. I’ve had some of the worst relationships EVER. This is not up for debate trust me honey. Over some sushi and an excellent red blend, chile I could tell you a little something about love. Or should I say lust because love doesn’t do you that way.
We are almost two weeks into 2018 and I had to admit to myself that a mate has never loved me properly. If I can be frank, receiving and giving love isn’t as easy as I hoped. Time and life has altered what love truly means to me. Knowing this I sought out the proper way to correct this issue. I went to God’s word. Clearly His words about love differs completely from what I am accustomed to in a situationship I deceived myself into believing that was a relationship (sip your tea baby).
While, seeking out a remedy to a known disease (immature love). I stumbled across this devotion on the Holy Bible app that I knew deep down in my spirit would place my feet on a road of giving and receiving, love the proper way God intended. He Calls You Beautiful a five-day devotional covering the Song of Solomon. For some odd reason I’ve always skipped this book in the Bible. I heard of it but to actually begin to study it has changed my perspective on love. So far my favorite scripture Solomon 4:7 reads, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” I took this verse so personal. My God, my Jehovah Jireh, my Many Breasted One, my Abba Father feels like this about me. Now I know what Beyoncé feels like! I was feeling myself!
I soon discovered that I had already walked down the aisle. The aisle that really matters, the moment I made a covenant with God, I became His bride. Before you judge me. I know the story of the bride and the bridegroom but how many of us know that during different seasons of our lives revisiting things will give you a brand new perspective?
As I dove into this poetry of divine love, I began to once again abide in God as He abided within me. This feeling is familiar but rare at the same time. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt a kiss from the source of all things. Each night as I read a passage from this God sent devotion, the more I realized how incorrectly I was viewing love. Premature physical intimacy is all I ever known but this spiritual intimacy I haven’t encounter on this level before.
It takes much strength, courage, and an unusual boldness to open up to anyone. To be completely transparent with a human being can be terrifying. But being transparent with God is even more difficult. We seem to want to fix ourselves because He is the almighty before we approach him. Neglecting the fact that He already knows and has the solution.
I too struggle casting my cares. I’ve even discovered that I may have to cast my cares more than once a day (Thanks Brandin for the insight). This causes me to walk down the aisle to the throne to leave it all at His feet. See, the aisle I have already walked down. The aisle I surely needed to be reacquainted with.
I am in a midst of a season of “I don’t know” it’s a transition from what I want and what God wants. I’m very uncomfortable walking down this aisle. As if my shoes are on the wrong feet or perhaps my dress is ill fitting. Either way I’m trying to bust out of my cocoon and God is saying, “Not yet my butterfly. There is still one more stage you must grow through before I release you.” Surely this is the year of becoming.