At the beginning of June I felt compelled to read the entire book of Psalms. I figured this would be a blueprint to really become transparent with God. Within days the task of remembering what I just read needed to kick into full throttle. My only options were to faith it or fear it. Sadly, with everything that I know. I chose the latter. The traces from my past overtook me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I didn’t have the strength to stand. I bolted in fear. All I could remember was losing this battle several times. What would be different this time?
I must admit I am ashamed of my behavior and my oh so little faith. With all the encouraging that I do for others. I couldn’t muster up any for myself. Nor was I in a receiving mood to take it from my circle. How do you stand when this is a battle you have lost before? Who defends and advocates for you when the odds are not in your favor? When does that anointing everyone so desperately yearns for activate? For days I tossed and turned on the bed of depression. Worrying and controlling the outcome of my fate. Allowing my thoughts to take me to days ahead that I’ve yet to meet.
Listening to the voices telling me, “The outcome will be the same, This is literally the best you will ever get, You don’t deserve what you are praying for, and the worst one yet…….Where is your God now?” My mother scolded me, “Everyone wants to be anointed and obtain the power of God. But no one wants to go through the process and pass the test!” Whispering to myself……”I don’t want the power.”
While reading the book of Psalms I continued to ask myself silently: Exactly why was David always at war? Who was trying to kill and destroy him? Was this man paranoid or something? My sarcasm began to takeover as I continued on. Perhaps, David might haven been a bit extreme when it came to illustrating his surroundings and emotions. Little did I know these very verses were going to fall from my very lips, combined with fear. I too found myself saying to God, “Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; Fight against those who fight against me.” Psalm 35:1. In the midst of my darkness all I could do was ask, “Why are you allowing this? Have I not done everything requested of me? Have I done something for you to turn against me? Am I not obeying your laws? How long will you hide from me?
His silence is punishment in it’s self. Who calms your storms when the almighty is scarce? Realistically I knew this wasn’t the end for me; yet I still feared the outcome. God has already given me just a glimpse of the path that leads to many blessings. My future is so bright it’s blinding but what about now? My present is so bleak. I can’t bare anymore humiliation. One more setback might push me all the way off the ledge……I mean this figuratively and for a short moment literally.
With all my problems stacking against me. Spiritual maintenance was in need. Being strong was no longer an option. I have fallen prey to my weaknesses. The encourager needed some encouragement. Waist deep in my depression and disappointment with God, the choice to stand or fight were my only options. The moment I took hold of my emotions that were way out of wack. I was able to think clearly. After, consulting with my prayer warriors, pastor, and mentors. I regained enough strength to take heed to what I know and believe.
Fight or flight is engraved within every aspect of our personalities and characteristics. I’ve had many moments when I chose to fight. A few where I took flight. After, throwing a natural and spiritual temper tantrum I had to come to the conclusion that I have zero control of what is soon to come. Either it’s going to work out in my favor or its not. Which ever occurs…….will be a part of His plan and His will. God allows things to occur so they can be a part of your process to strengthen you for your purpose.
In weak moments it is crucial to stay silent. Your unstable emotions in the midst of darkness can have you doubting everything you know and believe. Your words can tie God’s hands or shut them completely. Pride could very well be the culprit of why it took so long for me to ask for help. Even the most spiritual mature experience challenges with their faith. Elijah was anointed and powerful. Which explains why he wrestled with sprouts of deep depression. More promises, more problems.
Barricade the road that goes nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to somewhere; post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me……I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how. My purpose isn’t just about me. I am standing in the gap for the unknown. Give me strength to stand because someone somewhere is depending on it. I am learning to trust you completely but I know you have not taken me this far to leave me.
Allow my transparency and my authenticity to speak to a kindred spirit or soul in the midst of the their own despair. Let my mishap be the very signal that is needed for them not to stumble. You didn’t promise it would be easy but you did promise you would always be here. I thank you for never leaving nor forsaking me. No matter what it looks like or feels like you have a magnificent plan and purpose over my life.
I lift up the person reading this. The person struggling with depression and hopelessness. Be what they need in this short lived moment father God. Where they feel incomplete make them whole and where they are weak make them strong. Lift up their hung down head. Let them shout: “WHO IS THE KING OF GLORY? THE LORD STRONG AND MIGHTY! THE LORD MIGHTY IN BATTLE!” (psalm 24:8).
Under Spiritual Construction