When Your Calling Hurts


Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see. Some might say they see happiness, new found peace, desire and more. Allow me to re-introduce myself my name is LaToya (please put some respect on the capital T). The girl with the beautiful dark brown eyes filled with hope, desire, shame, guilt and destiny.

If I may be transparent I can tell you exactly what’s behind these eyes. The fear of my calling and everything that comes with it. See I am more than just a writer and a prophetic dancer. Those gifts allow me to be some what invisible. In the background only called to the forefront sporadically and momentarily. But when your calling is an office of power. The name ‘Prophet’ can begin to chase you down in your sleep.

This calling seems so cool. I mean who wouldn’t want the gift of sight and to be anointed from the most high? Right, it sounds good, until you have to walk the path. The path is a narrow righteous road that can be nearly impossible at times.

I have just began to walk this road over the past year or so. There are some really high moments that I have experienced due to my calling and the gifts it renders. High like on the mountain top when the air hits your face and you take that deep breath of restoration. Well, if there is a HIGH you better bet your bottom dollar there is a LOW. A low that feels like the pit of despair.

There really isn’t a middle ground or area for a prophet from my perspective. You’re either really happy or really depressed. You know just like the Prophet Elijah, after he literally requested fire, he ran from a chick yo. A whole chick lol. His mind played all types of tricks on him. But what people don’t realize. After a big win, you’re at your most vulnerable. The enemy is like SHOWTIME!!!

I am a dreamer. And not the typical dreamer where I chase my dreams dreamer, but the dreamer where my mind is God’s journal for my life and those connected to me. There are times I can’t wait to go to sleep. There’s a feeling I have that assures me He’s about to speak and I want to be ready. Honestly, let me share a secret with you. I sort of feel special when I get a dream  with an answer to my prayer intertwined. Like Harry Potter when he finally recognized and accepted he was the “chosen” one.

My dreams are so specific that it scares me sometimes. When they are about other people I have to consult with God to know when is the right time to share it with them. Dreams dedicated to my purpose and destiny have yet to disappoint me. This is purely the reason I am obsessed with Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future).

I’m sure all of this sounds amazing and entertaining. I mean who wouldn’t want this “calling” right? This mantle is heavy. Heavy are the shoulders that carries a mantle. I’m always misunderstood and written off as too passionate or emotional. Which could be the case pending the situation. Majority of the time it is a characteristic of my calling which is embedded within my core.

There are times I want to quit it all. Because so much responsibility comes with this territory. I can’t partake in certain things the world does. I can’t jeopardize losing my spiritual sight, so I must stay the coarse. I have to be mindful of what I say. Literally, what I say has life or death stamped within every syllable.

I’m constantly in the midst of a lesson. Since spiritual maturity is key to this calling evolving, I have to be extremely careful of what I do and say. Even what I allow in my ear gate and natural eyes. So many rules, policies, principals, customs, order and laws that must be accounted before I can take one step or say a word.

It’s a gift and a curse to feel everything with no answer behind it. With no instruction on what to do or how to handle it. It’s actually very lonely to feel people and yet not understand your own feelings. This is what it feels like when your calling hurts. It’s both the sun and the rain. Where you have to suppress your feelings because they will surely lead you astray. Where the truth and what you see aren’t always aligned.

This is my weaknesses  and strengths. In both I need God. A moment of Paul when grace is sufficient so carry on my daughter, is what God says.

How do you carry your calling or your cross? Leave me some comments or send me some emails.

Love Always,

LaToya Deshawn💋




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